Interview With a Beer Mile Empress

Above: The 2011 Beer Mile trophies that I covet beyond all reason and will never come close to winning

This past Saturday was the 3rd Annual Nashville Beer Mile. As I’m sure all of you remember, I attempted the Beer Mile two years ago when I had a broken groin, and managed a laughable 16:45. This year, with my groin entirely intact and two more years of beer-slamming expertise under my belt (not that I wear belts, but anyway), I felt pretty certain that I could go under 15:00. All I can say here is: HA HA! Dream on, Granny!

Beer miling talent eludes me. It mocks me and baffles me. How do the champions do it?

Luckily, the 3-time reigning and undefeated women’s winner of the Nashville Beer Mile (and a friend of mine…even if she did win that trophy. Bitch.) is here to give us an insider’s view. Amy is an ultra trail runner, an awesome blogger, and a truly unparalleled chugger.

Hi Amy! I’m not really worthy of your presence, so I appreciate your granting this interview. Feel free to belittle my lame 15:56 Beer Mile time as often as necessary.

No problem! Let’s try to make this snappy though, as I have a lot of press and photo shoot obligations lined up. I’m sure you understand.

 After your stunning ThreePeat win at this year’s Nashville Beer Mile, you must be beyond words, but try, if you can, to describe your true feelings the moment you crossed the finish line.

All I felt was the overwhelming urge to vomit.  All over the place.  Lucky for you and the other competitors and spectators, I didn’t.

Serious Beer Milers want to know: What’s your strategy? Is it in the belching? The beer choice? Well-aimed flatulence, perhaps?

Well-aimed flatulence… hmm.. ..possibly a good idea to try next year.  My strategy is simple: I only worry about the beer drinking.  And I definitely burp for at least an eighth of a mile. Loud, huge burps.  I also don’t drink anything for about an hour before the race.  And… I like to put my beer cans out on the table fairly early so that they have a chance to warm up a bit. I can’t chug cold ass beer.

And I bet you didn’t think I had any strategies…

I know that I attempted some highly specialized training prior to this event, clocking a PR beer slam at 52 seconds at my kitchen counter on a random Thursday, then running up and down the stairs while emitting an admirable series of deafening burps. Any chance of letting us in on some of your training secrets?

52 seconds? Really? Jesus Christ, that’s embarrassingly slow. Ummm… anyway… training secrets. There are no secrets to excellence… there is only practice.

Cork it, whippersnapper. I’ve been practicing for longer than you’ve been alive and look where it’s gotten me…. NOWHERE. That trophy might as well be the moon.

Anyway. There are a lot of namby pambies in East Tennessee that run a Chocolate Milk Mile. My question to you here is: What the fuck? Are we just more professional alcoholics here in Middle Tennessee, or are East Tennesseans morons?

What the fuck?!?!? That sounds like a race for toddlers. Or hillbillies. They should be having moonshine miles.

Like me, you grew up in South Carolina and attended USC (GO COCKS!).  Do you feel this background has benefitted you in your ability to drink 4 beers and run a mile in 11:28?  Did you enjoy beer at all during your collegiate career?

Umm.. you need to fire your fact checker… I grew up in Nashville (well, Hendersonville)… and went out-of-state to college at USC (long story short: of course I would end up at a school nicknamed the cocks).

Whoa, hold on there, missy! I distinctly recall a convo (yes, I said “convo”) with your dad at your last St. Patrick’s party during which we chatted about your old home in Irmo which is just west of Columbia and always cracks me up, because who names a town “Irmo” and furthermore…Well, anyway, that led me to believe you grew up in the Land ‘O The Cocks. However, just now it occurs to me that I was crocked when having that chat. Hmmm…. Perhaps you are, in fact, correct about where you grew up. Carry on.

Thanks.  To answer your real question… yes, my collegiate background definitely prepared me for the beer mile competitions. While you were at grocery stores finding misspelled produce signs, I was doing keg stands. Or at a bar in Five Points drinking pitchers of warm beer.  Lots and lots of pitchers.  A state school education is clearly an integral part to becoming a beer mile champion.

Go Cocks!! (2 years in a row!!!!)

For those of you wondering, Amy’s referring to the College World Series that USC just won LAST NIGHT. (As a side note, when I say USC, some of you may be thinking the other USC which would be a grave error. They’re the Trojans and we’re the Cocks. Pun Central!!)

Back to the interview. This year there were a couple of nice young ladies who, in the weeks leading up to the Nashville Beer Mile, questioned your ability to win. Any suggestions or comments you’d care to pass along now to these bitches?

Umm…  don’t get kicked out of the after party?!

Well, that certainly is diplomatic of you.

At this juncture in the interview, I’d like to bring the spotlight back to me. What do you think about a 50-year-old hag drinking warm canned Budweiser so fast that, in lap three of the Beer Mile, suds came out of her nose? Do you think this is attractive? Commendable, perhaps? Do you hope to be as classy as I am in 20 years?

Wait a minute. I didn’t know you had beer coming out of your nose! Wow… I think that might warrant a penalty lap.  And…Gross

Let’s talk recovery!  In the hour or three immediately following this race, what do you recommend drinking and eating and doing?  Can you provide any specific scenarios from this past Saturday’s competition?

My recommendation is to do exactly what I did on Saturday after the race:  immediately crack another beer (hey.. .they come in 6 packs, right?)… pound it. Crack open the other beer… pound it.  And then pull the “I won the beer mile for the 3rd year in a row, so can I bum a beer ?” card and drink another beer. And then start eating brownies with blue frosting when you realize that you’re drunk and have only had beer for the past 5 hours.

For the past three years, your race nickname has been “USC Girl,” which, let’s just face it, is pretty freaking  dull.  However, inside sources (you) have told me that a new nickname was created during the aforementioned recovery period. Care to elaborate?

I think that my new nickname will probably be “Nips” or “Show Me Your Nips” girl. Because… yeah… someone asked, and I did.  And when they told me that just showing one wasn’t good enough, I then showed both. So… yeah.

 Here’s what I think is just a really sweet picture of me congratulating you on your win, only moments after I careened across the finish. You look so confident and superior here. Four days after your win, are you still feeling superior?  

After setting a new Nashville Beer Mile Female record time, then pounding 7 beers,  getting thrown in the pool with all my clothes on (although, let’s be honest, they told me it was coming), and showing my nipples at the end of the night… fuck yeah I still feel superior!

Finally, you just finished a 60-mile 3-day mountainous trail race a mere 6 days before convincingly smashing your old Beer Mile PR and annihilating your competition.  Naturally, many of us want to know: Is there something wrong with you?

You know, after years of mediocrity in organized sports… I finally found the two things I’m really good at: running/walking/limping up trails super slowly and drinking beer really fast. 

I feel  lucky to be gifted in these two areas. As a result, I give my all.  As Steve Prefontaine reminded us: “To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”

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7 thoughts on “Interview With a Beer Mile Empress

  1. First, this is a truly awesome interview and write up. Second, “Nips” is a great nickname for next year. Amy owned it, and she should tout it like a true Beer Mile champion. Third, I’m just humbled that the both of you would come to my property and participate in this event with someone as unworthy as I am i the running and beer drinking categories. You both rock!

  2. Some people covet the Nobel Prize, some covet the Pulitzer, some the BeerMile trophy. I just covet the Tanya interview.

  3. when i first viewed this post on my mobile, the impression i received from the picture where you are congratulating amy was that amy had adorned her head with a ginormous bumpus de coiffure. turns out, it’s some guy’s head.

    guy’s head.

    heh.

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