I is for…


If, the marathon’s key word!
IF I haven’t trained enough, I’ll race like a large turd.
IF I’ve trained just two miles too many, I’ll collapse at mile one.
IF the port-a-potty line’s too long, I’ll miss the starting gun.

IF the forecast calls for rain, oh dear God the world will end.
IF I eat Pop Tarts at three, will I have to eat again?
IF I wear those same old shorts, there could be a tragedy.
But IF I wear a running skirt, everyone will laugh at me.

IF I think that it’s just gas, should I really take that chance?
IF you say yes and then you’re wrong, THANKS A LOT! I’ll poop my pants.
IF they say that it’s just water, but it’s Ultima, oh the horror.
IF I plan on only 18 gels, do you think I’ll need 8 more?

IF I look spastic in each race photo, is there someone I can sue?
IF there’s not a band at every mile, I simply don’t know what I’ll do!
IF my fuel belt gets entangled with my HRM strap, shit!
IF my Garmin shows the slightest error, I might as well just quit.

IF my shorts ride up and camel toe, will everybody laugh?
HEY! IF the shirt’s the same for both races, why didn’t I just do the half?
IF they run out of medals, did I even run it? ACK!
And IF bucket lists fall out of vogue, can I get my money back?


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