From time to time, important questions trouble me. Typically, I find that mulling over the complexities and serious components of these questions can alleviate some of the mental anguish that their mere existence inflicts upon my ragged brain. So, here we go with some very stern and important questions:
1) What the fuck does “Toys-r-Us” mean? Were the CEOs enjoying a mild hallucinogenic when they came up with this name? I mean, were they actually envisioning themselves as toys and, as a group, decided to announce that discovery in poor grammar and then use the whole atrocity as their company’s name? Further, after a hearty dose of crack, the board of directors apparently thought it would be a good idea to turn the “r” around backwards. And put quotations around it! Inside a star!
Anyway, this has troubled me for about 20 years. I can barely drive by Toys-“r”-Us without having an aneurysm.
2) Why are there so many freaks at my gym? (It occurs to me that I’m asking this as a long-standing member of my gym, but let’s not consider that.) Just this morning, I witnessed an old dude in leather pants doing seriously alarming squats, a woman dashing into the locker room to blow dry her armpits every 5 minutes for no apparent reason, and a trainer stomping around and clapping his hands and going, “WHOOOO! WHOOOO!” at his own reflection in the mirror. As I was leaving, a young man wearing heavy mascara did a triple cartwheel by me.
What’s going on here? Cheryl has, in vain, searched for a nearby mental hospital to account for the clientele at our gym. She’ll often insist that there must be a halfway house or rehab center in our neighborhood, but thus far, she hasn’t had any luck locating either.
3) How can something be “new and improved”? If it’s brand new, it can’t be improved. Hi Everyone! Look! It’s a brand new blog post, and it’s definitely an improvement over the way it was before I even wrote it. Doggone it all, it’s new and improved!
4) How is it possible to surprise or scare yourself in a dream? I mean, when you’re awake, your brain doesn’t just suddenly hurl a vivid image of your long-deceased grandfather wearing a plaid jumper at you. (I mean, my brain doesn’t. I can’t speak for some of you.) I know things are different when you’re asleep, but I still can’t grasp how you’re just going along in a dream all lah-lah-lah and doing something mundane-dreamy like eating a chair leg or running a 5K through Sears, and then all of a sudden: Boom! You round a corner and your cat is barreling toward you on huge wire legs in a lightning storm and singing a Captain and Tennille song.
Where does a mental image like that even come from? Shouldn’t there be some basis of memory or some degree of new and planned creation involved? What the hell is going on with our brains when we’re asleep, anyway? VERY disconcerting.
Well, that’s it for now, folks! Thanks for spending 10 regrettable minutes that you’ll never get back!