Lunks vs. Cardio Freaks!

skinny-guy-cartoon

Hey runners! While you’re amped up on coffee and before you go for a run to calm down, how about taking a gander at this terrific article about fitness! It’s part of the “Testosterone Nation” page on Facebook, so you know right from the start that that’s going to be some seriously spot-on advice stemming from thoughtful contemplation with nary a speck of Mister Man bias. Granted, it’s Facebook, but don’t be scared. I scrolled through and saw ZERO pictures of people’s lunches from last week or grave comments concerning their pedicures or the fact that OMGZ! It’s soooooooooo Cold!

Anyway, this dandy gem made its way over to the GSP at RunningAhead, and I don’t need to tell you that some of my fellow chicken-boned wrist runners found their hackles ruffled after reading it and were simply not amused. Not. Amused. (I just wanted to do the separate word thing with periods here to annoy myself. I hate it. Hate. It.) So, I thought I’d go through some of the more fascinating points in this manly I WILL PUMP YOU UP! article for the sake of a lively debate.

Conditioning prepares you for battle. Cardio makes you really good at running slowly away. (By “conditioning,” the writer basically means picking up heavy shit and throwing it back down. By “cardio,” he apparently means distance running.) Well, thank God someone has warned me that training to run faster is not only going to make me run more slowly, but that it will ALSO fail me entirely when I suddenly and unexpectedly find myself in the Arena at the 81st Hunger Games next week. Somebody warn Peeta!!!

Conditioning makes a man look good naked. Cardio makes a man look good in lavender skinny jeans and not much else. And let’s face it, one of the primary concerns of Manly Dudes at the gym is what other guys look like naked.

Conditioning builds legs of steel. Cardio builds legs of an underfed seabird. I can’t really refute that, but I would like to point out that the common seagull or, say, the Double-Crested Cormorant or, quite frankly, any bird, possesses legs that are entirely unaffected by caloric intake. Their legs are void of shape, stick-like, covered in scales, and generally attached to fairly frightening feet. As I say, I can’t entirely argue that this is unlike most runners’ legs.

Conditioning gives you an upper body made of stone. Cardio gives you an upper body made of twigs and Jell-O. If your entire upper body is made of stone, that includes your brain, you lunkhead. HA HA HA! Anyway, Jell-O. Mmmmmmm. If possible, I’d like my upper body to be twigs and cherry Jell-O. Or watermelon if it’s available.

Conditioning is sex. Cardio is cuddling and a chick-flick. *psssst* Hey Squat Master…that moderately effeminate runner dude in lavender jeans who’s into cuddling and Steel Magnolias just stole your girlfriend! Alas. But now there’s more free time for you to hang in the locker room! (Pun intended, bitches.)

Conditioning is testosterone. Cardio is cortisol and estrogen. Now wait just a darn tootin’ minute there, chief. How can cardio be estrogen when anyone with half a brain (or an entire stone one) knows that running will make a woman’s uterus and her ovaries fall out within just a few short months of strapping running shoes on the ends of her underfed seabird legs?

Conditioning is pecs. Cardio is man-boobs. Okay, first you’re telling me that running will increase my estrogen production, and now you’re saying that it will create boobs? The fuck! 37 years of running FOR WHAT? I’ve totally been robbed. (As for running developing Moobs…Well, again, that’s hard to deny. Right, Thunder?)

Conditioning relieves anxiety, boosts all-day energy and fires up brain function. Cardio increases anxiety and cortisol. (Runners are only happy when they run. The rest of the time they’re assholes. True story.) Oh dear. I’ve always thought I was at the zenith of my assholiness about 5 miles into a tempo run. And now I find out that that is when I’ve been the happiest? My anxiety and cortisol is increasing even as I type! Nonetheless, thanks bunches for setting me straight Mr. Perf Pecs, and I’m sure you’re right as you sound both anxiety-free and totes full of fired-up brain functioning. True story.

True. Story.

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